FeminismIsFree!

Miss Manners (left) after becoming a pod person.

Miss Manners is the greatest. I wanna be Miss Manners…except that I don’t see myself getting less lazy as the years go by and her advice always seems to require that one exerts extra effort and boy howdy, dealing with people daily already whups my butt. Seriously. However, I adore the ascerbity, justice and wit of her replies to her many Gentle Readers.

Therefore, I was horrified when I spied this link on msn.com:

Miss Manners: She’s Not ‘Wasting’ Her Education By Staying Home With Her Daughter

YEARRGGGHH! Say it ain’t so! Oh Miss Manners, you cannot break my heart by becoming a conservative wingnut spokeswoman! You can’t leave the fold of clear thought to join the likes of, say, the Schlaf or Coulter or Malkin! NO!

Dear Miss Manners,
I am a 40-year old housewife with a 2-year old daughter. I have a bachelor’s degree from a prestigious private college and also a master’s degree and I speak three languages with a fair degree of fluency. When my husband and I socialize with college-educated people, the question frequently comes up in conversation, “Where did you go to school? What did you study?” Often when I tell them about my educational background, I get comments to the effect that all my education is being “wasted” now that I do not have a career outside the home, or “Don’t you want to do more than stay at home?” or “Wow, you could have xyz impressive career, why don’t you?”

I love caring for our daughter, and my husband has an extremely demanding job, so my being at home full time to keep the household running smoothly is a huge help to our family.

When did it become deviant behavior to want to raise one’s own child and spend time with one’s family? I find this question insulting on so many levels, and am really at a loss how to reply without being rude myself. Please help!

I hardly dared peek out of one squinched-up eye at her response:

Gentle Reader,
It became deviant behavior for mothers to stay home with their children immediately after the decades in which it was deviant behavior for mothers to work. Picking on mothers seems to be a national pastime.

Pent-up breath released in a gusty sigh of immense relief! As usual, Miss Manners hits the nail on the head (courteously, of course). Oh thank you, Miss Manners, for not caving into the pressure! Which leads us to, what is up with that headline..? A little misleading? Ya think?

Now, though, this letter is very interesting on several levels. On one level, I at least can sympathize with the writer. People really have no business saying to someone they’ve just met at a party, “Don’t you want to do more than stay at home?” A very condescending and nosy question, no different in its intent from “Don’t you want to stay home and take care of your children?” Unlike Miss Manners, I have no problem advising a rude response to either query. But then, you know, I start to smell a rat–

so my being at home full time to keep the household running smoothly is a huge help to our family

Well, yeah, runnin’ the farm with the 12 kids is DAMN hard–oh, wait. She said she has one (1) two-year-old child. And she has…a house. Now, I don’t know anything else about her life. Maybe she has a houseful of servants to manage. Maybe the house is a fixer-upper. Maybe..? But the most likely scenario is that it’s a typical house, which means that it doesn’t require “running,” just standard cleaning and maintenance, plus such things as laundry and bill-paying and vehicle care thrown in, which I hesitate to dignify by referring to this work as running a household. I did it when I was, get this, a single mom with two kids! And I’m lazy!

Then the smell of rat got stronger–

When did it become deviant behavior to want to raise one’s own child and spend time with one’s family?

So by this definition, her husband couldn’t be considered as raising his own child or spending time with his family? Since working outside the home means you aren’t doing these things..? Or, ho ho, of course, silly me–when a woman works outside the home she can no longer be considered to be raising her own child or spending time with her family. All men have to do to get that level of credit is donate the sperm, marry the recipient and fork over a joint bank account card!

Backing up further in her letter–

I have a bachelor’s degree from a prestigious private college and also a master’s degree and I speak three languages with a fair degree of fluency.

And some people at parties, upon discovering this, say:

“Wow, you could have xyz impressive career, why don’t you?”

This is not an odd question at all. That level of education requires a considerable amount of money and time invested–beyond those who had to take out loans to get it and therefore must work to pay them back, most people who devote that kind of time to their education do want to use it. There is of course nothing wrong with education for the sole sake of acquiring knowledge, but usually there is also a corresponding passion to use that knowledge. It is odd that suddenly someone for whom that was a consuming passion (since clearly she doesn’t have to work now, so her reasons weren’t monetary for pursuing it) suddenly finds perfect intellectual fulfillment in changing poopy diapers and color-coordinating bedspreads and draperies. And yes, it is a waste of that level of education. You do not need it to be a nanny, housekeeper or home secretary. It’s a shame she can’t seem to breathe through her haze of offense, cause I would really love to hear her answer to that one question…why did you spend all that time and money on all those skills that you are now avoiding any situation where they might be used..?

I do support the right of anyone to choose, without being subjected to nosy personal questions and moral judgements from strangers, any life path their heart desires. However, I admit that I find women who couch their personal choice to become a full-time nanny/housewife in terms of “because I want to raise my own child!” judgmental and quite sexist. I also have a hard time taking seriously any woman living in a typical, modern-day house who claims that her efforts in taking care of said house are some kind of major achievement and that it’s a real load off her husband’s mind to know that she’s there switching on the dishwasher and writing out the check for the cable bill…the reason people who do stuff like this as outside-the-home jobs get paid minimum wage to do it is because that’s about what those jobs are worth. The supply of people who are capable of doing them far outweighs the demand. Yes, I respect your right to choose your own life, but no, I’m not going to enable your deception, self-directed or otherwise, that what you’re doing is in any way special or noble or even very hard work. It’s just what you chose to do, no more, no less. You shouldn’t suffer intrusive queries about it nor sneers, either! but neither should you expect to be praised nor should you get offended when your behavior does not elicit admiration. I’m sorry, but you aren’t doing anything that spectacular to deserve it.

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