FeminismIsFree!

I’m having a hard time deciding if this is for real or not. I’m leaning toward “yes,” just because I can’t find any evidence anywhere else on the Web that it’s just a big ol’ joke, and also, the commenters on the article that was just making it so haaaaaaard for me to believe it was for real seem to be taking it seriously. That said–

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

So anyway, this site is called wikiHow and its stated purpose is “to build the world’s largest, highest quality how-to manual. With your edits, we can create a free resource that helps millions of people by offering solutions to the problems of everyday life.” I started scanning today’s “Featured Articles” on the sidebar and found myself being offered instruction on such mundane topics as “Calculate How Much Money You Need To Retire,” “Understand Copyright Basics” and “Assist Children with Cultural Adjustment.” …alongside “Pass Time At An Airport” and “Fold a Dollar Bill To Make a Finger Ring” (is that some kinda fad I missed out on or something?) or “How To Trigger Green Traffic Lights.”

(Since you know you won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t share the secret on that last one–)

Attach neodymium magnets to the vehicle. While there is significant debate as to whether a magnet can be strong enough to alter the electromagnetic field which triggers the sensor, you may decide to give it a shot. You can buy a commercial magnet or make your own.*

* If you do make your own magnet trigger, be very careful when handling them as they’re very strong. Wear eye protection when handling them because they’re very brittle, and if they slam together or against any other surface, a piece of magnet can easily get into your eye.

(God knows we wouldn’t want that to happen!)

Excuse me.

(BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)

ANYWAY, the whole reason I stumbled across this website in the first place was a snippet on Pharyngula here. Given that I have occasionally wondered if anybody (aside from Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses) ever does make a concerted effort to convert atheists (as opposed to simply control them via legislation), how could I resist checking out an article so artfully entitled How To Persuade An Athiest to Become Christian?

Let’s find out!

The article is subdivided into Steps, Tips and Warnings (scary!). We’ll start with Steps first.

1. Prepare yourself

Most Atheists are highly intelligent. Probably better educated than you are–

This is where I just could not believe this was for real. Because…er, doesn’t that say something to you?

–and have spent a lot of time thinking about reasons TO believe. You have to give them a real reason - not just an emotional one! You need to read and think a lot too. They usually don’t care about your beliefs or want to be bothered with them. It is best to leave them alone. Don’t be surprised if they manage to persuade you to give up your beliefs.

Suddenly I feel SO powerful!

2. Think about your friendship. Are the two of you close? If not, try to increase your friendship before attempting to change their religious beliefs. However, do not do this merely because you want to convert them. You must have a deep and true interest in being their friend and being there for them throughout the entire process, which may last years. If you have any doubts about your ability to help them get through the change, you should face those doubts before doing anything else.

That’s just so…sweet.

3. Pray to God. Christians recognize that it is the Holy Spirit who convicts (John 6:44, 16:13). A Christian cannot persuade by him- or herself. If your friend feels comfortable with it, pray in front of them, asking for godly wisdom.

I’m trying to imagine a friend of mine popping down on their knees and earnestly entreating the Lord in front of me for any reason other than an immediate death in the family or extreme alcohol consumption, and totally failing.

4. Start off casual.

Wise not to let them see the fanatic flickering of your eyelids right off, yes.

Don’t outright invite your friend to your place of worship on Sunday morning. You should first show how Christianity has impacted your own life in a positive way (Matthew 5:15-16). While quoting the Bible at every possible opportunity may be a bit much,

It may!

thanking God when something goes your way should be fine.

“Oh, thank you LORD for this front-row parking space!” Sure, that wouldn’t weird me out at all when shouted out in dead earnest.

It may also be useful to tell your friend about people you’ve met at church; when listing their good qualities, include that they are religious as a very far side note.

Or even don’t include it at all, as the fact that you met them at church might already make that obvious to your atheist target–remember, atheists are like Wile E. Coyote, SUPER-genius!

5. Give your friend practical advice for their problems from the Holy Book, such as the book of Proverbs. Don’t forget to show them the Scripture itself; that way, he or she will know that it’s not your own thinking, but God’s.

It’s possible your friend may have already heard nearly every single Proverb from the Book, as in secular culture they are called “cliches” and spouted off by everybody at random intervals throughout their lifetimes, but on the off chance your friend hasn’t heard that particular one and might suspect you of having an original thought, by all means, credit the source instead.

Don’t do this until your friend is completely comfortable with you being religious. You would come off as too desperate if you just started pointing at random verses from Proverbs;

You would come off as too something, yes–

you must ease into it slowly.

Like anal sex! …er, not that I would know that from personal experience. Just guessing.

6. Invite your friend to your place of worship. As before, you shouldn’t outright ask them to attend Sunday church, but a church-funded charity or meeting would normally not be considered in connection with the church at all.

Sadly, the government seems to agree with you.

Do this every so often, and introduce your friend to other people who attend your church. Make your friend comfortable with the individuals who make up the church and religion.

Do you introduce them as “the atheist?” Or do you go INCOGNITO?

7. Wait. See if they develop any interest in attending your place of worship. You may ask them to attend church with you; however, it would be best if they come along partly on their own.

“Partly” on their own?

If they do not ask any further about church after a few months, mention that some of the people you introduced them to had been asking about them.

Eeek. Starting to get a little sinister here…

8. Be open-minded.

But then how will they know you’re a Christian?

Make them feel comfortable and in control. Don’t push too hard.

Are you sure we’re not talking about anal sex?

9. Know when to ease up. Some people just truly don’t want to be Christian. If this is the case with your friend, and you’ve tried everything else here, don’t push any further. There is nothing more that you can do. Don’t let it be cause to end your friendship, but know when to leave them be.

A surprisingly sane ending. But wait–we haven’t looked at the Tips and Warnings yet!

TIPS!

* One way to encourage someone to believe in God is to spend a lot of time in nature and appreciate the beauty of it. For example, go outside in night and see the stars and moon.

‘Cause atheists haven’t ever seen those before! It’s hard to appreciate the beauties of nature when you spend all your time hiding under your bed because there is no God to give purpose to your life or tell you how to behave morally.

It’s hard to see such a majestic sight and not think who/what made it all. (Be respectful. Remember, atheists have a different opinion on this subject)

“Big Bang.” Next!

* Bring in the subject of the Ten Commandments and list them off one by one.

Atheists haven’t ever heard of those either, of course.

* Research the Kalam Cosmological Argument. It is used by the Islamic religion to argue that there is a God. Even if you are not Muslim, but Christian, it will still benefit you because it provides an argument about why there needs to be a God. Wikipedia has an excellent article on this subject.

But omg, what if you accidentally end up converting the atheist to ISLAM instead!?

* Listen carefully to the concerns and reservations of the unbeliever. Try to understand their stated reasons for not believing, then address each of those concerns directly. Emphasize verifiable truth over unverifiable dogma, and work together with them to discover what is actually true, with honesty and integrity. If you show an openness to understanding your friend’s beliefs and opinions, this will earn their respect.

I’m afraid if you emphasize verifiable truth over unverifiable dogma, your conversation will end up turning into a science class and your atheist will be no nearer to Christianity. Probably not good advice for the converter.

* Keep your cool when the atheist tries to mock your beliefs; otherwise the conversation may turn very ugly, very fast.

If you’ve been harrassing them constantly, this is a danger, yes. Or maybe what they’re saying here is that God might smite your atheist friend and then you’ll have lost forever the chance to convert them!

* Persistently demonstrate a loving and Christlike example within your own life; many atheists are atheists because of their (however misguided) perception that Christians are hypocritical or evil.

“However misguided?”

* Show the practicality of Christianity through your own successes and friendships with Christians. If your friend truly sees that being a part of a church is like gaining dozens of new family members who each truly loves and admires them, then they will know where to turn in hard times.

Nothing like emotional carrot-dangling escalating quickly into blackmail to whip folks into line!

* Try to avoid intellectual debates with atheists; these typically devolve into tit-for-tat arguments about politics or some other subject that is rather trivial in light of eternity.

Heee! Aren’t they ALL trivial subjects in light of eternity…

* Use something that appeals to the atheist. You need to convince them that something they cannot comprehend exists.

You’ve already convinced them that you believe in sky fairies and they probably can’t comprehend why, so I don’t think this is a good tactic for the converter either.

One good method is to remind them of their childhood, when they did not comprehend something, but knew it existed (Such as air or war)

Or where the poop goes after you flush the toilet…are you SURE this is where you all wanna go with this…

If that does not work, appeal to their reason.

Haven’t you just spent the whole article explaining how to appeal to their unreason?

and WARNINGS!

Now, this part isn’t too bad–

* Consider how you would respond if someone was attempting to persuade you to change your beliefs. Be gentle in attempting to persuade an atheist, as their own beliefs are just as important and central to who they are as yours are to you.
* When talking about deeply-held beliefs, people can often get emotional or even angry. If possible, try to talk to them when they seem fairly open, and when you are both in a good mood.
* Don’t make an attempt each and every time you get together. It becomes wearying for both of you, and your friend will begin to avoid you, generally because people don’t like to be seen as “conversion projects.”
* Every person is different, even within the same religion. Don’t assume that you know what your friend thinks or believes about something merely because he or she is an atheist. Instead, ask him or her about it.
* Do not aggressively push your beliefs on your friends. No one can be forced into conversion.

–but you knew it couldn’t last!

* There are many non-Christians who still believe a god or gods exist.

Yes, but they aren’t atheists, so they’re kind of outside the scope of this article, aren’t they?

Therefore, proving the existence of God is merely one facet of conversion. Other elements include: the Bible is from God; Christianity is God’s religion.

That one’s gotta be even a million times harder than proving God exists. Good luck with that.

* An unbeliever may not be swayed by arguments from the Bible, since he or she does not believe that it is divinely-inspired, or possibly that deities even exist. Quoting a Bible verse might be sufficient if speaking to a fellow Christian, but it will likely not be convincing for an atheist.

Um, so what was up with all the Proverbs stuff farther up the page…

* Don’t assume that an atheist hasn’t read the Bible. Many atheists were raised as Christians and grew up reading the Bible.

No shit. I think two different people actually wrote this–this clearly ain’t the same individual that wrote the Steps.

* Avoid common stereotypes about atheists, such as that “Atheists really believe in God but are just in denial,” and, “Without God, atheists can’t be moral people.” It is considered inappropriate to prejudge anyone, atheist or not. Also trying to take moral high ground would be bad when they most likely will be able to point out many seemingly immoral things in the bible.

“Seemingly” immoral?

* Keep in mind that many Atheists may not even believe that Jesus existed, let alone that he was God made man. Therefore making statements like “Jesus loves you so much that he died for your sins” will most likely not sway them.

Good call!

* Trying to use logical arguments may not work, as it may have been logical enquiry which originally convinced them to become Atheist. However, many atheists prize logic above all else, so it can also be your greatest tool. If you know the person well enough you should be able to tell if logic can or cannot sway them.

Yeah, except there’s no logical way to prove religion. Otherwise that’s one hell of a seamless argument!

* Always remember that you are not God.

Very scary that the converter must be sternly reminded of this.

You just work for Him. Let God do the work. Concentrate on being a good advocate, and explaining your reasons to believe in clear, winning ways.

If all else fails, use Rohypnol.

Signing out amidst a great deal of evil laughter.

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